Endless Cycle….

Hello fellow friends,

(Or those who actually visit this page and read, hello there)

Yes I know I have said this before, but again, it has been awhile. so much crap has happened. Funny, I started this WordPress for my creative writing class back when I attended a junior college. well, I am no longer there, but I do miss aspects of the experience. Especially when it comes to the art program. It was very competitive and kept me on my toes. Currently at ONU I am on my toes too but these was something about JJC. Anyways, I have remembered I have this blog and I tried to get rid of it I think but couldn’t or something and because I was unsuccessful, well I am just going to write about my problems and crap. Might as well, I mean, whats not fun then reading about someone elses problems to help you feel better. Lol, man I am in a sour mood.

Sorry.

I have been just going through such crap recently and struggling with what feels like depression. I, by all means do not want to come out and say, “why, yes, I have depression” but I cant help but feel so terrible that its the only thing that I find to describe how I feel. I wasn’t always like this. Back in 2012, I was a peach. I was a Worship Leader for my youth group, I was in college, driven, excited, and what Id like to describe as free. It was great. I was so focused and was so ready for anything. I was energetic and it was amazing. I don’t want to make it seem like when I met my friend, Well just call him for now Benjamin, but I feel like when I met him, my world was getting ready to go down the darkest hole I have ever been in. Don’t get me wrong, Ben wasn’t and IS NOT a bad guy, its just got bad.

Going back to when it started, I met Ben going to a graduation party that I was to babysit my sister at after I had gotten off of work. she was so upset but was told she couldn’t go if i didn’t… so i pissed her off and went with her to this party and (With her fear that I was going to be a debbie downer or a party pooper) I ran to the backyard dancing like a nut. The music was bumping and I decided I should just have fun, and I did, I started to dance like a nut and was having a blast. That’s when Ben said he saw me and was just struck. Now, struck by what, I have no freaken idea because I looked like a bloody hot mess. Picture a clumsy, obnoxiously loud, short curly hair girl with glasses in jeans and satchel trying to “Twerk”…. Not Pretty! But that’s when he noticed me. After I stopped acting like an idiot I went over to meet Ben and his best friend, Well call him Fflow. So we met and I wont lie, I was like hes cute but didn’t think much about it. We played a couple of games (Sardines) and by the end of the night I was sitting in the grass while Ben was sitting in a seat next to me and all we did was talk. Found out he had a disability and it intrigued me. He was so well mannered and was so kind. I was very interested in him and after we left, I couldn’t help but bug my sister about him. Fflow was her best friend so i knew I would see him again.

And so I did. I learned so much about him. He was really quiet when he would hang out which only made me want to learn so much more. My family fell in love with him and so was I. We as a groups would hang out often till finally I asked to hang with him myself. Thus started this journey of our relationship. We were friends but we began to grow as more.

Now some important information that needs to be stated to show you how hairy our relationship is about to get, I am a Christian, and at this time in my life, I was a very strong one (I still am but I am so messed up I feel beyond broken, back then, I was solid). Soon I was to learn Ben was not. A lot changed in my heart when I found out.

So our place of hanging out was at my house on our trampoline, it was here we were just having fun when I saw a necklace on his neck. It was a think gold necklace with a cross on it. his grandma bought it for him. I was curious and asked, “Do you believe?”. He said no and proceeded to say, “I don’t, I just wear it to bring my family peace”.

… my heart shattered a little… I felt like right then and there, my strong like in him was chopped in half. I was so sad.

I still talked to him and hung out countless times but, it was different for me. to make 3 years shorter, I still liked him. We grew closer and then i had my first kiss with him, well actually, my first kiss with anyone.

WOAHHHH I KNOW RIGHT!!!! 21 and never has kissed a guy, unheard of right lol. No, I had kissed one boy before but it was like in 8th grade and it was a peck on the lips, nothing else. It was when things began to get sticky between us. I vowed to not do so many things and I felt like with him, he would push my boundaries. Now, I am not completely blaming him for everything that happened between us, but I will say I was really good at holding off but when you have someone you really like pushing buttons, you want to give in. In the end it takes two to tango. I just feel like I had boundaries before him and well not I am like what boundaries. When you start to really someone though, you want to give everything. I did.

We were friends but really we were so much more just with no title. I was persistent to not go out with him because in the end my faith was so much more important. I believed strongly not to go out with a non-believer and with Ben, I didn’t want to budge. In the end after he asked me out 7 or 8 times, I finally agreed on January 1st of 2014 to date him. Funny, because just that December he started dating some girl at his school. During that break he told me, I was only dating her to get over you. “You told me to move on, (I did because I didn’t want to date a atheist) but when I cant stop thinking about you. Even when I am with her I think of you”.

Anyways…. we started dating, I started slipping from where I was or really who I was and began to give him everything. Now, again he is a great guy and before we started dating to when we were, he was so sweet and awesome. We were great but then August hit when I gave him my virginity (Well, both of us were virgins, well I was in not doing ANYTHING with anyone and he had never had sex but he didn’t consider getting a blow job with some twit as sex before we ever knew each other, which did. ) and when I did, things changed. Our whole relationship changed, for the worst.

Some more crucial info, I am a spaz so I freaked out whenever we did something together sexually from our fist french kiss to other things and I know this took a toll on our relationship.

So i was always kind of stressed and had my fair share of pregnancy scares. This stressed him out as it did me which made our relationship rocky. I noticed towards the end of the year things got weird. I felt like he began to respond saying he loved me just to comfort me. I felt like he didn’t mean it. I could never “Win” when we got intimate which cause frustration on my behalf and started feeling like I had to beg for sex. He only wanted to do it when he had an appetite for it which made me feel like shit and things just got worse. Then I would sacrifice time to go visit him at his school which is super far because of his disability (He cant drive anywhere so I am driving everywhere). I just felt like he was taking me for granted and I started feeling used. Then I made a joke about him marrying me and he didn’t respond.

Now hear me out, I told him in the beginning what I see dating as and it is seeing someone as a potential husband/wife. I date with a purpose. He knew this and when you date, its normal to crack jokes about marrying each other or talking about it if you really love someone (Which I did) but even joking, he would avoid this idea. I wasn’t trying to marry him, but I loved him so much that I was okay and more then happy to say yes if he ever asked.

He wasn’t.

Before I knew it, he wouldn’t call, text me, Skype me while he was at school. I felt like if I didn’t initiate to talk to him, we wouldn’t talk for weeks. I felt like I was forgotten, and not to sound like a needy bitch, but when you hang out with someone almost 24/7 for 2 years and talk daily and then it suddenly stops, that is a Really big change to cause some concern. He stopped talking to me and at this time, my ex jumped back in the picture and began to talk to me, I wanted to tell Ben about this and let him know because I loved him and I respected him enough to inform him about our conversations. As I kept trying to contact him for a week, he was just two busy. Finally My ex invited me to go to a bar for his friends birthday and I was like, no because its not right. But, by this time, I was yearning for conversation and Ben wasn’t trying. The night before this birthday party I told Ben i wanted to talk, Skype. He said okay that we would that night. I waited till 2am from 6pm earlier that day. No call. That morning I called him and asked why he left me hanging. He was busy out with his friends… This wasn’t the first time he left me hanging for hours. I was so upset with him and then he blew up.

I was called clingy, a ball and chain, was told I was smothering him. He told me that I wasn’t a priority like I had made him, that hes not stuck to his phone like i am…..

I was crushed. I told him fine, hung up with him and bawled. Something inside me was so broken… I didn’t deserve that. I am none of those things. I had given so much up, sacrificed so much time for him. I gave him space, refrained from talking about my faith to him so he didn’t feel pressured, gave him sex when he wanted, didn’t text him for long periods of time so I didn’t come off as clingy, didn’t call, even when I needed him, when i did, he didn’t answer. I gave him space. All I did was love him with everything.

So, I went to the birthday party, had a blast, talked about God all night to my ex (Even when I was drunk), I reminded my ex I was dating Ben, I just had fun and tried not to cry anymore.

After a week I broke up with him.

The next few months is where I feel my depression started. AND OH MY GOD, there is so much more to this story now but if I keep writing I will write a book. lol Ill stop for now but it your interested in the rest of this story, stay tuned, i will continue to pour my heart out to all of you soon.

Thanks for listening to a broken woman. Hopefully I can pull myself together one day with God leading in the healing process.

Thanks

Tati

 

 

 

It’s been a long time…

A looking through my old stuff from a while black I discovered my old password and account for WordPress. I remember starting this blog for class and now I have decided to come back and try and keep it updated.I’m now at a different school and am on my way to becoming an art instructor for high school. School has been very time consuming but when is school no time consuming? Life has been interesting. Lots of new things have come into my life and things are different from what they were before. I’m still creating a lot of art work. This 3-D piece I just finished yesterday.

It came out looking really neat. I will say gorilla glue really does work amazingly but dang it takes forever to dry and adhered to surfaces. In the end it worked wonders. I couldn’t of finished this project without it. I don’t like the fact that the glue also expands though. This caused some insures for my work for the fact that I wanted my work to look clean. In the end though it didn’t matter much, the metal was dirty and so it just added something nice to the work. Here is a image of the machine I took apart to get these parts.

Found it in an antique store. It is called “The Paymaster”. Ha, the name of this machine reminded me of the title for the movie called the page master :-).
Well it was good to reconnect. I’ll write again soon.
To whoever takes the time to read these things, thanks and have a Blessed day!

Tatiana
Listening to: “Tell Me” by Jonah33

Zine Cover

       So we have to make a zine for our creative writing class and this is what I came up with. Its 7×5 I think. I love the way it came out but now it the hard part which is correcting all of my works and printing them. The printing process is so HARD! With the size I need to print my pages out the process just became so hard! I spent 4 hours trying to figure out how to manipulate word to print the size I needed and it just was being stupid. I found some templates online which were helpful but I still need to change the size. I gave up on that for now and Ill do it next time!

Tatiana

Boston Marathon…..

Today… Today is a sad day. I cant believe what has taken place in Boston! My heart goes out to all of the victims and people who were affected by this tragedy. I feel so bad and truly am just shocked at what would move people to do these things. Why? I watched the video footage of the camera focused on the finish line when the first bomb went off and it was horrific. One thing I remember watching and noticing first was when the bomb went off, you could see 3 yellow balloons that we let go by someone who was in the area where the bomb was detonated. I kept watching the updates on what was happening to find out that now 3 people have been confirmed dead and at least 100 has been injured. I think (I’m not sure) but I think a 8 year boy was one of the 3 victims that has died today. That is two years younger then my youngest sister who is 10. My heart goes out to that kids family. in the midst of knowing all of this, I wrote a poem about it. I wrote it based on the footage of the first bomb going off with the balloons being released in the air and on that little boy who’s life was cut short by this horrific event. I will say I made this poem up and It is not fact. The only real thing in this poem is that it goes out to those affected today in that first blast and to the young child who’s life was lost.

Yellow Balloon

I didn’t expect it

Its just happened so fast

The weather was perfect and everyone was smiling

Runners were passing and taking their last step to the finish line

And my little guy was holding onto to me tightly

Not even the strong wind could take me

His smile was captivating and brighter then my color

How sad and quickly everything changed

In the matter of seconds

The sound was dreadful and deafening

I felt his small hands release around me

I looked down in horror as I floated up and away

Helpless

My little guy was no longer smiling

A second blast shouted out

I continued to fly away from the misery

Screams filled the air

But one voice didn’t

My little boy was no longer smiling

He was quite, laying on the ground

Soon the white smoke covered him

And I could no longer see

For what could I do

I’m just a yellow balloon.

 

Again my heart goes out to those affect by today’s incident! I will be praying for all of them today.

Tatiana Diaz

Money….. Oh buddy….

So I went to the mall to buy some new pants and maybe a few shirts right, and I am not much of a shopper but I was kinda excited to go out and do so (Peculiar). Well I walked into the mall with my sister and it was all peachy key till I walked into the first store. MY GOD! EVERYTHING IS SO EXPENSIVE! Maybe its just me, I’m a big penny pincher I guess but come on! $20 for a t-shirt!? Does it do tricks to and make me invisible??? I thought well maybe its just the store i walked in and so i walked to another thinking the prices would be better…..

Oh yeah they were better … NOT! I can remember buying shirts for at least $7, but $20- a t-shirt!? I choose to walk around topless then spend that much for a simple t-shirt. Its ridiculous. Again maybe it is just me but I felt like spending money like that for one simple item is crazy. Prices just keep going up but what you get paid stays the same. It sucks so much. By the end of my “shopping” day, I went from being super happy to feeling super crappy. I don’t like to spend money (I feel it actually causes me pain to do so) Lol.

Oh buddy, well besides that I again got to work on some of my work. I was going to post a picture of my current painting but ill do it next time. This is a sketch of two identical paintings I am doing but one is in black and white while the other is in color. Well see how those turn out soon.

Well write more later.

Tatiana

Just chillen

So I was looking through some old folders on my computer of just old folders and I found this old one I forgot all about! This was back in 2011 when I won an art award for making it into our art exhibition which was really sweet and won a cash award! We can all use cash lol! I made it again this year so I hope its another year of winning some cash. I mean its awesome enough to make it in the show. 4 out of my 6 pieces made it in this year which is really great. Two Graphic design pieces made it in (My t-shirt design and Magazine cover which was kind of a shocker for me) and my wood burning piece (Ill post a pic at the end) and a pastel piece (I posted a picture of it earlier when it was a work in progress). If i win some cash awards that will be even better! ^_^ Sweet well, there goes my splurge for now, post more later. Leave a comment on what you think of my wood burning piece!

Ill post the actual finished product soon. A lot was added since this picture but still let me know what you think!   

Tatiana

 

Concert

Well Yesterday was amazing. I went to an awesome rock concert and TFK performed along with Love and Death, The Original Intent, The letter Black, and The Wedding! Freaken amazing! I totally lost it at the concert. I felt like the only one getting into the music though cause everyone around me just stood there bobbing their heads slightly…. COME ON! Its a rock concert! I was kinda glad alot of them moved away from me, why? So I could go even more crazier then i had been before. Then finally one of my friends joined me in going nuts so I wasnt completely alone anymore. I went so wild I threw out my neck, but who wouldnt when your praising God! Come on! When TFK (Thousand Foot Krutch), the lead singer, began to talk about how God helped him through this really tough ordeal in his life, I had to praise even harder. He talked about how the doctors told him that had disease that would keep him from doing so much but God healed him! How can you not jump to that!? How can you just nod your head to that and say, “Oh good for you”. Im sorry but God deserves praise and deserves your best, so thats what i did. I got crazy to have fun but also hold nothing back when praising the Lord!

Yeah my body is paying the price of rocking to hard but who cares, i DONT

A Work of Art

My Pastel work (WIP)Well I said the next time I posted a journal that I would post some of my work. This photo is of a pastel work I based off of my friends photo. I did this in my drawing I class. This picture shows when it was a work in progress. Its actually finished now but I am to lazy to take a new photo of it and what it looks like now finished. Eventually I will but for now this will do. It looks really good finished. Some people when they look at it (Finished of course) some have mistaken my work as a photo which is really awesome! I think what really made this work look amazing was the paper I did the work on. Its not like ordinary drawing paper but actually has a textures surface. It resembles sandpaper. With the paper being like sandpaper, It really helped with the pastel not spreading around and helped control the pastel much better then what regular paper would allow. The quality really did make the difference in this work because I did another pastel work on regular paper and it looked horrible. It just looked like a horrid mess on white paper. Well anyways here is the photo i based the work off on. This photo is not mine, its my friends Cassandra.

Tatiana

Busy Work

Yet again another day comes in which I am trying to finish all of this homework! I feel like no matter how much I get done it just keeps on coming! There is so many little things in each class that i have to keep up with up and sometimes I just forget completely about it. It doesn’t help that my lab top is acting up and wont let me take on-line test or exams, which is alot of the work I need to finish. These are the times that i wish that we had an actually home computer that worked or that i had a better lab top. At least I have one though right. I need to learn to stop complaining! I do it to often. Eventually I will get better at it. Well besides school work, my life had been interesting. A guy I have liked for awhile came back from college for spring break. He had a girlfriend but from what I Have seen on FB, they are not together anymore. (Oh FB!) Anyways, so I decided to get his number to talk to him again cause I lost his number a while back but I feel like I should stop trying. He doesn’t seem very interested… Oh well. Lol anyways, well back to my school work I go. Oh my next entry I will post up some of my own work and I am looking for any helpful points anyone has!

Tatiana

Im feeling really bogged down by all the homework and stresses of life at this moment. I have been in my room all day just trying to work on homework for just one class… Im tired and stressed. I hate to complain but its all building up on me at this point. To feel a a tad better i was looking up art and came across this picture of this painting. Its beautiful! Looking at art helps relieve some stress which is good so I picked this picture to help relieve some stress. The colors are crazy awesome and there is just an exsplosion of energy  in it. The composition is basic but the way the artist presented the work makes it even better. *Sigh* Well I guess I should get back to my work. TTYL.

Tatiana