Hello fellow friends,
(Or those who actually visit this page and read, hello there)
Yes I know I have said this before, but again, it has been awhile. so much crap has happened. Funny, I started this WordPress for my creative writing class back when I attended a junior college. well, I am no longer there, but I do miss aspects of the experience. Especially when it comes to the art program. It was very competitive and kept me on my toes. Currently at ONU I am on my toes too but these was something about JJC. Anyways, I have remembered I have this blog and I tried to get rid of it I think but couldn’t or something and because I was unsuccessful, well I am just going to write about my problems and crap. Might as well, I mean, whats not fun then reading about someone elses problems to help you feel better. Lol, man I am in a sour mood.
I have been just going through such crap recently and struggling with what feels like depression. I, by all means do not want to come out and say, “why, yes, I have depression” but I cant help but feel so terrible that its the only thing that I find to describe how I feel. I wasn’t always like this. Back in 2012, I was a peach. I was a Worship Leader for my youth group, I was in college, driven, excited, and what Id like to describe as free. It was great. I was so focused and was so ready for anything. I was energetic and it was amazing. I don’t want to make it seem like when I met my friend, Well just call him for now Benjamin, but I feel like when I met him, my world was getting ready to go down the darkest hole I have ever been in. Don’t get me wrong, Ben wasn’t and IS NOT a bad guy, its just got bad.
Going back to when it started, I met Ben going to a graduation party that I was to babysit my sister at after I had gotten off of work. she was so upset but was told she couldn’t go if i didn’t… so i pissed her off and went with her to this party and (With her fear that I was going to be a debbie downer or a party pooper) I ran to the backyard dancing like a nut. The music was bumping and I decided I should just have fun, and I did, I started to dance like a nut and was having a blast. That’s when Ben said he saw me and was just struck. Now, struck by what, I have no freaken idea because I looked like a bloody hot mess. Picture a clumsy, obnoxiously loud, short curly hair girl with glasses in jeans and satchel trying to “Twerk”…. Not Pretty! But that’s when he noticed me. After I stopped acting like an idiot I went over to meet Ben and his best friend, Well call him Fflow. So we met and I wont lie, I was like hes cute but didn’t think much about it. We played a couple of games (Sardines) and by the end of the night I was sitting in the grass while Ben was sitting in a seat next to me and all we did was talk. Found out he had a disability and it intrigued me. He was so well mannered and was so kind. I was very interested in him and after we left, I couldn’t help but bug my sister about him. Fflow was her best friend so i knew I would see him again.
And so I did. I learned so much about him. He was really quiet when he would hang out which only made me want to learn so much more. My family fell in love with him and so was I. We as a groups would hang out often till finally I asked to hang with him myself. Thus started this journey of our relationship. We were friends but we began to grow as more.
Now some important information that needs to be stated to show you how hairy our relationship is about to get, I am a Christian, and at this time in my life, I was a very strong one (I still am but I am so messed up I feel beyond broken, back then, I was solid). Soon I was to learn Ben was not. A lot changed in my heart when I found out.
So our place of hanging out was at my house on our trampoline, it was here we were just having fun when I saw a necklace on his neck. It was a think gold necklace with a cross on it. his grandma bought it for him. I was curious and asked, “Do you believe?”. He said no and proceeded to say, “I don’t, I just wear it to bring my family peace”.
… my heart shattered a little… I felt like right then and there, my strong like in him was chopped in half. I was so sad.
I still talked to him and hung out countless times but, it was different for me. to make 3 years shorter, I still liked him. We grew closer and then i had my first kiss with him, well actually, my first kiss with anyone.
WOAHHHH I KNOW RIGHT!!!! 21 and never has kissed a guy, unheard of right lol. No, I had kissed one boy before but it was like in 8th grade and it was a peck on the lips, nothing else. It was when things began to get sticky between us. I vowed to not do so many things and I felt like with him, he would push my boundaries. Now, I am not completely blaming him for everything that happened between us, but I will say I was really good at holding off but when you have someone you really like pushing buttons, you want to give in. In the end it takes two to tango. I just feel like I had boundaries before him and well not I am like what boundaries. When you start to really someone though, you want to give everything. I did.
We were friends but really we were so much more just with no title. I was persistent to not go out with him because in the end my faith was so much more important. I believed strongly not to go out with a non-believer and with Ben, I didn’t want to budge. In the end after he asked me out 7 or 8 times, I finally agreed on January 1st of 2014 to date him. Funny, because just that December he started dating some girl at his school. During that break he told me, I was only dating her to get over you. “You told me to move on, (I did because I didn’t want to date a atheist) but when I cant stop thinking about you. Even when I am with her I think of you”.
Anyways…. we started dating, I started slipping from where I was or really who I was and began to give him everything. Now, again he is a great guy and before we started dating to when we were, he was so sweet and awesome. We were great but then August hit when I gave him my virginity (Well, both of us were virgins, well I was in not doing ANYTHING with anyone and he had never had sex but he didn’t consider getting a blow job with some twit as sex before we ever knew each other, which did. ) and when I did, things changed. Our whole relationship changed, for the worst.
Some more crucial info, I am a spaz so I freaked out whenever we did something together sexually from our fist french kiss to other things and I know this took a toll on our relationship.
So i was always kind of stressed and had my fair share of pregnancy scares. This stressed him out as it did me which made our relationship rocky. I noticed towards the end of the year things got weird. I felt like he began to respond saying he loved me just to comfort me. I felt like he didn’t mean it. I could never “Win” when we got intimate which cause frustration on my behalf and started feeling like I had to beg for sex. He only wanted to do it when he had an appetite for it which made me feel like shit and things just got worse. Then I would sacrifice time to go visit him at his school which is super far because of his disability (He cant drive anywhere so I am driving everywhere). I just felt like he was taking me for granted and I started feeling used. Then I made a joke about him marrying me and he didn’t respond.
Now hear me out, I told him in the beginning what I see dating as and it is seeing someone as a potential husband/wife. I date with a purpose. He knew this and when you date, its normal to crack jokes about marrying each other or talking about it if you really love someone (Which I did) but even joking, he would avoid this idea. I wasn’t trying to marry him, but I loved him so much that I was okay and more then happy to say yes if he ever asked.
Before I knew it, he wouldn’t call, text me, Skype me while he was at school. I felt like if I didn’t initiate to talk to him, we wouldn’t talk for weeks. I felt like I was forgotten, and not to sound like a needy bitch, but when you hang out with someone almost 24/7 for 2 years and talk daily and then it suddenly stops, that is a Really big change to cause some concern. He stopped talking to me and at this time, my ex jumped back in the picture and began to talk to me, I wanted to tell Ben about this and let him know because I loved him and I respected him enough to inform him about our conversations. As I kept trying to contact him for a week, he was just two busy. Finally My ex invited me to go to a bar for his friends birthday and I was like, no because its not right. But, by this time, I was yearning for conversation and Ben wasn’t trying. The night before this birthday party I told Ben i wanted to talk, Skype. He said okay that we would that night. I waited till 2am from 6pm earlier that day. No call. That morning I called him and asked why he left me hanging. He was busy out with his friends… This wasn’t the first time he left me hanging for hours. I was so upset with him and then he blew up.
I was called clingy, a ball and chain, was told I was smothering him. He told me that I wasn’t a priority like I had made him, that hes not stuck to his phone like i am…..
I was crushed. I told him fine, hung up with him and bawled. Something inside me was so broken… I didn’t deserve that. I am none of those things. I had given so much up, sacrificed so much time for him. I gave him space, refrained from talking about my faith to him so he didn’t feel pressured, gave him sex when he wanted, didn’t text him for long periods of time so I didn’t come off as clingy, didn’t call, even when I needed him, when i did, he didn’t answer. I gave him space. All I did was love him with everything.
So, I went to the birthday party, had a blast, talked about God all night to my ex (Even when I was drunk), I reminded my ex I was dating Ben, I just had fun and tried not to cry anymore.
After a week I broke up with him.
The next few months is where I feel my depression started. AND OH MY GOD, there is so much more to this story now but if I keep writing I will write a book. lol Ill stop for now but it your interested in the rest of this story, stay tuned, i will continue to pour my heart out to all of you soon.
Thanks for listening to a broken woman. Hopefully I can pull myself together one day with God leading in the healing process.